break me down
by Cashay
Summary: Dean misses Castiel when he's in heaven. He is scared of being left again. And sometimes when you can't say things you have to hope your actions speak loud enough.   Spoilers up to 06x7 DeanxCastiel slash


**Title:** break me down  
**Rating:** mild R  
**Pairing:** Dean/Castiel  
**Spoilers:** if you have seen 6.07 you're safe to go  
**Warnings:** angst  
**Word Count:** ~961  
**Summary:** Dean misses Castiel when he's in heaven. He is scared of being left again. And sometimes when you can't say things you have to hope your actions speak loud enough.

**A/N**: A huge "Thank you!" to my beta vyxenskye over at LiveJournal. You are awesome!  
Written for my kissbingo card, prompt "greetings: hello"

Dean was always nervous when Castiel was gone. Especially if he was back in heaven to take care of the war going on. There had been a gnawing in his guts even before he had found out that his angel was losing the war, but now that feeling had gotten stronger and even though he was still ignoring it, that did not mean it went away

That Sam – he recoiled every time he called him that – had figured out the feelings he and Castiel shared was even worse. He did not know why, but this... thing that was not his brother should not be able to recognize those feelings. And yes, Dean was worried what the not-Sam would do if Dean, Castiel, or both of them ended up on the wrong side of that monster that pretended to be his brother.

It was something Dean could not really ignore any longer no matter how hard he tried. It was another thing adding to the list of worries that settled like a weight in his stomach.

He was not good with expressing feelings, he never had been, and showing Castiel his love was difficult. Letting slip that he cared enough to be worried that much was just something he could not do. He knew Cas would be happy if he did. He felt the distress and insecurity of his angel grow with every day that passed.

His constant refusal to show affection out of bed did not make it better. Yes he kissed him, but never just because he could or because he felt like it. He never touched either, not even the slight brush of a hand or leaning closer than necessary.

He was too afraid of the intimacy those gestures would bring. Hell, Dean had never been one to let people close. The one time he had tried – with Lisa and Ben – it had gone awfully wrong and he had been hurt. For normal people this hurt would not have been that bad, at least Dean thought so. But he was already broken and battered, had never been whole. And he had learned the hard way that he would lose everything he cared about. Everyone he loved.

Lisa and Ben were just two more names on that long list, and Dean had learned that loving just hurt. In the end he would be alone again and he could not bear it anymore. Every damn day he was fighting, every damn day it got a little bit harder to wake up again, to get out of bed for one more futile day.

The only thing that kept him going was the purpose he gave himself. Right now it was getting Sam his soul back. Then it would be caring for Sam. And after that? He had no idea. He did not care. Well, there was always Castiel. The small hope of seeing his angel again made everything a little bit easier.

And only in his arms he could sleep peaceful. Only there he would be free of the nightmares that haunted him. But still he could not say it. He could not be open about his love. It was just not something he could allow himself to do, because his instincts told him not to. Because it would be like it always had been, and he would be left alone again. But this time he was not so sure he would survive it. This time he would not be able to put the pieces back together.

Those were the thoughts that would consume him when Castiel had been gone for too long. When the doubts and fears seemed to get the better of him. But all of this was just swept away as he heard the familiar sound of an angel's arrival.

And there he stood, right behind him. And just as Dean felt lighter and like all the burdens were gone, the eyes of his angel lit up, showing his adoration for the hunter. For one moment they just stood there staring into each other's eyes until Castiel suddenly pulled Dean into a kiss, wrapping his arms around the hunter.

His grip was strong enough to hurt, but Dean did not care. He just pulled him even closer, melting against the form of his angel. He did not care either, that they did not kiss, not even to say hello. But right now he would not even have cared if Lucifer had come back; right now he felt just bliss in the arms of the man he needed most. One hand was tangled in the loose black hair of the older male, the other lay on his back to hold him close, wishing he would never have to let him go.

In the beginning the kiss was hard and desperate, a lot like Dean had felt until Cas had arrived. But it turned slower, more loving, caring. Their tongues were carefully caressing each other, intertwining gently. It was the sort of a kiss they did not share often, full of unspoken promises of love and trust and care, lacking passion but rich on things they kept buried so deep down because they were afraid of them.

"I missed you Dean Winchester.", Castiel murmured as they had to part because Dean needed air. He did not reply, just crushed their lips back together in a kiss that held much more than he ever said. He hoped Castiel understood all the unspoken words he could not say because he was too afraid of breaking. Things he would probably never say. That Castiel understood the promises he so desperately wanted to keep.

_'I missed you too. I trust you. Please don't go back to heaven. Stay. I need you. _

_I love you.'_


End file.
